When I wrote this story, I thought it was the best thing ever. I loved it so much that months after finishing it I would draw characters from it. I would create more adventures for these sad characters, and think that one day I would make the greatest comic book ever, and that the heroes in this story would be household names. I was 13. Please keep this in mind when reading it. Also know that I am very embarrassed that I wrote it in the first place. But I’m also aware of how extremely bad it is, and how funny that makes it.

I’ve added footnotes to it, but the rest is reprinted verbatim. This story received an A+ grade and was published by the school’s in-house publishing “company,” which in reality was just a group of mothers who probably laughed their asses off while typesetting the horrible stories children had written. These “published” works would then be placed in the school library, for other students to take out and read.

The Ring of Terror
By Shaun Hatton
Pro-Author Pub. Co., St. Anne School, June 1992

November 31, 2033

“The city is really quite for this time of year,” said General Light. “The crime wave is getting too much out of hand.¹”
He got up from the sofa at the lab and strapped on his armour², took a gun off the shelf, and walked out of the door. In the air, there was a horrible smell of rust, all the cars were melting because of the sun and no ozone layer, which was destroyed in the year 2003³. Pretty soon, the armour which General Light had on was also melting, but he did not notice it until it was too late⁴.
General Light suddenly came to a dead end, he turned to go the other way, but was cornered by a gang of hoodlums.
“You try-kill us!⁵” said one of them.
“No, I just�”
“Shutup!” General Light was interrupted.
“Kensho get him!” a small man said.
A huge man came out of the crowd and beat up General Light, badly, so bad that he died⁶.
General Light had a brother, Dr. Light who was experimenting with a life after death machine called “MEGABOT”, as soon as Dr. Light found out about his brother’s death he took General Light’s brain and put it in “MEGABOT” and turned the robot on⁷.
“There you go!” said Doctor Light, and went back to his work on a clone machine, then stepped into a booth, and when he stepped out, there was too⁸ doctors but one was a robot, Dr Light named the robot Hawk⁹.

December 1, 2033¹⁰

Dr. Light needed some supplies, so he went out to get some, while he was out, Kensho killed him too¹¹.
The robots found out about their friend’s¹² misfortune and promised that Dr. Light’s death would not go unavenged.
But the gang was more than a bunch of maniacs, but members of The Ring of Terror, the most feared gang on the face of the planet¹³. The gang’s leaders were Kensho, Gak, Vultrue, Black Shadow and Hermee Urkelo. The robots knew nothing about the gang¹⁴.
Meanwhile, the Leaders of The Ring of Terror gathered in an old abandoned warehouse for the revealing of The Supreme Leader¹⁵.
“I bring you�,” Hermee began,
“�The Supereme Leader�Elfor Esfor!¹⁶”
“Another stupid robot?!” said Kensho viciously, and walked out of the door.
“Dumb robots, who needs ‘em anyway?¹⁷”
Hawk and Megabot decided to take a walk and try to get mugged, so they went to Central Park of course, and Kensho jumped out of a tree¹⁸ and started a fight with the robots, but he couldn’t even make a dent, Kensho passed out of exhaustion.
The robots didn’t even fight back.
“That was very, very, very hard,” said Hawk.
“Yap, hard as anything soft!¹⁹”
“Sure, let’s get our of here! Now!”
There was silence at the old warehouse were Kensho was barred²⁰, Gak was told that he must go get the robots, and Vulture would go with him.

December 2, 2033

Today was the day that Gak and Vulture would try to find the lab which the robots stayed, they found it easily, it was the only lab in the city! Anyway they knocked on the door.
“I’ll go first!” said Gak.
Gak opened the door and the security system shocked him and he melted into a puddle of ooze²¹.
Vulture was surprised to see how protective the robots were²², he tried a window and got an electric shock and he flew away²³.
The robots came home and saw that the lab had been broken into and saw the blue slime on the floor, Megabot picked it up wit the help of Hawk and threw it in the garbage.
“Let’s go see if we can catch who did this,” said Megabot, “Only if we had a car!”
Just then they turned into cars²⁴.
“Wow! It must be the slime! We can turn into anything!”

December 3, 2033

The Ring of Terror was being destroyed and Elfor Esfor didn’t like it.
“Hermee! Go get those robots! Now!” he demanded.
“What? Me? Go out there and get killed?”
“GO NOW!”
Hermee was so scared that he wet his pants and ran out the door saying:
“I’m goin’ back to Kansas!” he squealed.
Meanwhile the robots were heading out the door when they heard….
“….I WET MY PANTS!”
They ignored the message and went to Goodyear for a tune-up, and, of course, tires²⁵.

December 4, 2033

Black Shadow was watching as Elfor Esfor went out to try to kill Hawk and Megabot.
“So much for the gang,” he said.
Elfor Esfor landed on the roof of the lab and said,
“Come out NOW you puni²⁶ robots!”
The two robots flew to the roof and saw that Elfor wanted to kill them and they flew away and pressed the red button on their arms and the lab blew up²⁷.
Hawk and Megabot flew to outer space just as the world blew up into a billion pieces and were blasted into the galaxy of limbo.
And then General Light woke up²⁸.
“It was all a bad dream!” he said. He was going back to sleep when he looked in the mirror and saw that he was MEGABOT!
“HOLY COW!”²⁹

1. Originally this line was “The crime wave is getting too out of hand.” The teacher made me change it so that it didn’t make sense. I swear! Also, how can the city be really quiet yet the crime wave be out of hand?
2. Everyone has armour in the year 2033.
3. Makes no sense. I hate my 13-year-old self.
4. I’m pretty sure I’d notice my armour melting.
5. The actor who played Kensho went on to play a Neimodian in Star Wars Episode I.
6. I know the story sucks a lot so far. But this is the best sentence in it.
7. If I had a brother and he died, and if I had a robot with no brain, I’d probably try putting my dead brother’s brain in the robot. It’s perfectly logical.
8. Yes “too” doctors.
9. I just liked this name.
10. Please note - and I forgot to point this out when starting to write the footnotes - that the story starts on a date that doesn’t exist: the 31st of November.
11. Evidently I was too fucking lazy to write how Kensho killed Dr. Light. I was also too lazy to use more than one sentence to tell the reader this.
12. Friend: AKA: Brother, Host specimen (in the case of Hawk).
13. There was only five people in this gang. Oh, and one robot. Every gang needs a robot.
14. They knew nothing about the gang, yet it was the most feared gang on the planet?
15. This is the gayest sentence I have ever written.
16. Or L4-S4, like an evil R2-D2 or something. I’m beginning to have second thoughts about posting this shitty story.
17. Kensho’s so bad ass, he even hates robots!
18. I forgot to mention Kensho was a Japanese Monkey.
19. Yap, why did I get an A+ on this piece of crap?
20. I mean “buried.” Because he died!
21. Rad. I want this security system.
22. Vulture was also a huge dolt.
23. And a big wuss who gave up too easily.
24. I’m crying.
25. Hey, free advertising! Gotta love it.
26. Sometimes things are puni. Yes, even robots.
27. Do I really need to comment on this?
28. Best cop-out ever.
29. I can’t imagine how much my teacher must have laughed at this. I was hilarious!

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 28th, 2005 at 8:32 pm and is filed under Awful 'n' Embarassing. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.